gitzuL

d'u ever feel like u wanna just disappear?!?! u just wanna hide with no looking back, running away like a coward..!? have no responsibility to care of or people to consider of. Gee! Lots time i hate myself..but i do hate them too!!

astagfirullah...i blame them for what i feel now. i've become numb, i can barely feel anything. even if i feel something, it will fade, wont last long..i feel angry just for a moment, and then i'll be numb again, empty..lost and confused. i know myself. i have so many weaknesses! i am strong, but in the same time, i am not more than a weak coward..

'this' condition makes me reluctant to behave towards whomever! even in this blog-which probably is unreadable on not--i CANT tell exactly what my problem is. i'm afraid that someone will read it even if they dont know me and i dont know them, but still its...its not right.. i dont want to be blessed by other's pity on me! i wanna have someone who can see clearly and encourage me to keep facing what i'm dealing with wisely..even i know, the most powerful motivation is from myself and from Allah of course.

i cant tell my mom,even if i want to. i cant tell my sisters either. what happened last few years changed everything, changed us mostly in my life and my sisters'.

i can hide it, i can hide what i suffer deep inside my smiles, my laugh..but at some point i cant fight myself when it's become too hard to handle. i teach myself not to blow up my temper nor show my emotion which sometimes make friends of mine confused.

gee!how i wish i be alone! it seems sometimes i wanna live a different life, with different destiny and people. then would i be the same person as i am???

i realize none understands me fully, not even my mom. i dont complain that.

my shoulder is where friends cry on, why cant my younger sister do it to me? i' a good listener for my friends, but why cant my younger let me listen to her??

i always try to be good sister. but its hard when u find someone whom you give ur attention seem not need it, or worse she doesnt want it.

i cant blame anyone. those 'unwanted' things befell us. what i regret is i wasnt wisely sensitive. if only i knew what's coming. i'm sorry for not take good enough care for my sister, younger sister. i wonder if she loves me or not.

 i try to get her back. i guess when we got wrecked spot, we gotta move as one. i wanna feel like i have sisters, because i do HAVE two. i'm freaking jealous when hear or look two blooded sisters enjoy their time.

what happened to my family makes me swear in heart that if one day i give birth to a child, i shall not let him/her lack of anything, not even a glance. i'll encourage my child's heart so he/she can get used to face problems. i shall teach him/her always the thruth. i shall not make him/her feel alone.

and it is curved in my mind that i can raise my child alone if i have to. sometimes i hate men so badly till i curse them, disgrace them unrespectfully.

who can protest?